


Cracked

by oneamazingpsychopath



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Established Relationship, Hisoka started it, Multi, Online Dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:40:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29080266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneamazingpsychopath/pseuds/oneamazingpsychopath
Summary: I'm in a creative rut and I figured this would be a good way to just put something out to satisfy my brain.Kurapika has been dating Chrollo for months now, unaware of his actual job, or even what he really looks like. Chrollo has no clue that his current boyfriend is aiming to kill him. Hisoka finds this all hilarious.
Relationships: Kurapika/Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer, Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer & Kurapika
Kudos: 61





	Cracked

Chrollo never trusted Hisoka, I mean no sane person would. And his creepy stares... So when Hisoka got permission to go speak to one of his..." fruits" Chrollo had Shalnark bug him, so they could all listen in. 

"Hello~" Hisoka's voice echoed from Shal's laptop, where all the spiders had crowded around.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, why are you so early?" A slightly feminine voice answered. 

"I could ask you the same my little mango." Yup. Definitely a meeting with one of his fruits then. 

"Excuse me? Why mango?" Was that really what whoever Hisoka was meeting with was concerned about? Why wasn't he running away?

"Well I would call you an apple cause of that... lovely red- but Gon is-" 

"OI! He's fucking twelve Hisoka. What the fuck?" Machi blanched at the response from the mysterious mango. Was Hisoka also a pedo on top of everything else? She was going to charge him quadruple the usual price next time he needed help. Disgusting. 

"You're such an overprotective mommy." Overprotective? More like normal... every spider thought, eyeing each other nervously. 

"Hisoka can you get on with it? I have somewhere to be."

"Oh~? Where does the little mango have to be? Work?" 

"That's none of your business."

"Tell me or I won't help you~" Hisoka taunted. 

A long drawn out sigh reverberated through the base. "If you must know. I have a date-"

"With the good doctor?" Hisoka giggled which made the entire Troupe shudder. 

"No- with someone I met online, we met in an online literature app..." The person Hisoka was taunting sighed again, this time a little wistfully. That reminded Chrollo, he had to meet his own date later tonight. He had also met them online. He smiled thinking of RedChainsXX05, he was so smart and cute, even if he had only talked to them over their literature app chats. He also saw the cute profile picture, his blonde hair, and his shy smile. 

"What's his name?" Machi could imagine Hisoka bouncing like a child, enjoying the chance to needle and tease someone. 

"Why?"

"Maybe I know him~"

"Doubtful. He seems like a normal respectable person."

"Are you saying I'm not respectable?" Hisoka gasped dramatically, making Shalnark snicker.

"....I saw on live television you get a boner for a twelve-year-old shut the hell up." There was a distant jangle of chains and Hisoka of all things, moaned. The sound abruptly stopped. "Fucking stop- what the fuck." 

"Tell me a name and maybe I will." 

"Fine. Fine. Ok, his name is Chrollo Lucilfer-"

There was a high pitched shriek of laughter, unlike anything they had ever heard from Hisoka. It sounded like a scream almost. Shizuku clapped her hands over her ears. There was a delay of pure shock from hearing Hisoka's shrieking, demented laughter, but the spiders wheeled to stare at their shell-shocked boss. 

"You have a boyfriend?"  
"You have a date?"  
"You're dating Hisoka's mango?"  
"Don't call him that!"  
"Why didn't you say anything, boss?"

The clamor of the spiders washed over Chrollo as he stared in surprise at the laptop where Hisoka's screeching laughter continued amidst shouting from what he now knew to be his date. 

-

Kurapika listened to Hisoka's demented cackling for a minute, creeping away in terror. God this man was the absolute worst. "What the hell are you on?"

Hisoka wiped the tears from his eyes, smiling at his little fruit. What a fucking hilarious joke. "Ah, nothing nothing my dear little mango. I hope you have fun on your date~" 

"I will! Contact me whenever you're ready to be serious!" Kurapika couldn't help his childish action of stomping his foot as he stalked off. 

Hisoka continued to giggle, practically curling in on himself.


End file.
